Dear Portland,*

I say this out of love, because I care about me.

If you are out at a nightclub, and the DJ plays "Paper Planes" by M.I.A., it is not cool if you shoot finger guns into the air every time they use the gunshot sample in the song. It's really lame.** In fact, if someone with an actual gun on their person shot you at that very moment, no jury would convict them.

So, for the well being of all of us, cut it out.

Sincerely,
Jamie S. Rich

* This may also happen in other parts of the world. Apply as appropriate.

** My friend Eliza was thankful for this behavior, as it made her own dorkiness seem less dorky. When I suggested she "make it clap," she reached back and slapped her butt, not realizing that "making it clap" was the dance equivalent of soccer, and it's a foul to use your hands. She is a redhead, though, and thus whiter than most.