F(ile) U(nder): STFU - You Drive Me Ape, You Big Gorilla

When we left the screening for Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and it became quickly evident that I was the only one who didn't go bananas over it, I actually said, "I'm gonna get some mail about this one."

Sure enough, since the movie opened, I've gotten a trio of e-mails, presented here in order, unedited, no names to protect the....

#1

I read your review of 'Rise of the Planet of the apes i think this is a wounderfvl movie cant wait to see it

Hold on, I don't get it? Have you seen it or haven't you?

#2

...you are obviously someone who doesn't enjoy foreplay and just wants the banging to commence. Others appreciate the back-story and wait patiently until the cartoon mayhem ensues.

So I guess that you would also recommend walking about 30 minutes after the start of "Saving Private Ryan." because the first scene has nothing to do with looking for Ryan.

I almost wrote this guy back and just said, "And obviously you are someone who has never slept with me." Interesting, of these three, this is the only one from a dude.

#3

I love the way you reviewers think your opinion rises above the typical Movie goer. Even though you have never made a film yourself. You need to just relax and enjoy the film for what it is "ENTERTAINMENT" which this film delivers. Despite Franco, I still enjoyed this film

This last one is a pretty typical letter, hitting points most reviewers hear all the time and ignoring the actual substance of the piece. In fact, it hits the trifecta: you think you're better than me (I don't), you've never made a film (you're right, I haven't, and neither have you), and it's not great art, it's just supposed to be entertaining. Sure, and did you notice that my main point is actually complaining about not being entertained enough?

My guess is that when a person writes this kind of letter, it's because he or she so quickly adopts the stance of, "He's saying I'm wrong," that there is no consideration of the fact that our opinions can exist in the same space. Our only difference is that someone gave me a platform to express it. Blame that guy for raising me up. He did it! Otherwise, I'd just be writing on here, my free blog, the same service available to anyone.

And I guarantee you, were these folks having a conversation with an actual film director, and he (or she) said, "Well, I make movies for a living..." as part of his argument, they'd be all, "Oh, welllll, Mr. Big Shot Hollywood!"

I wanted to write back to the last person with one simple link, this great satirical essay by Bobby "Fatboy" Roberts: "An Imaginary Conversation Between Two Guys Waiting for the Bus After Leaving a Movie Theater."

But I didn't. Why poke the primates? That's how revolutions start!

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