HOW'D YOU FIT IN WITH THIS FLIM-FLAM AND JUDY?

Last Saturday's Duran Duran tribute night that I mentioned in a previous entry went down a storm. The performers raised over $1,200 for Tsunami charities, and the place was packed with people into the music and who had dressed up in '80s garb to participate in the contest. Some of it was a little too cheesy for my taste--I get a little bit tired of everything about the decade having to be made fun of, and Duran Duran in particular was the first band that really mattered to me--but that was made up for by excellent renditions of songs like "Election Day," "The Chauffeur," and "The Wild Boys."

This is what you want...

For my own fashion contribution, I went with a dark suit and a bright red shirt. I like to think of it as hearkening to Tender Prey-era Nick Cave, without me being quite as smooth. Turns out, I had accidentally stumbled onto something else. Two guys came up to me and asked me if I was supposed to be anything in particular, and I said not really, because I never tell the truth to strangers. "Well," one said, "you look like you could be in Kraftwerk!" He then produced a copy of the Kraftwerk album where they are all dressed in red shirts with skinny black ties and black pants--on vinyl no less. (Jen tells me this is The Man-Machine, which is not what I referenced in my post of the same name; I was thinking Robbie Williams.) I have no idea why the guy would be carrying the record album with him. I envision it's in case of an emergency. "No one panic! I have Kraftwerk with me, and if we all stay calm, we'll all get out of here alive!" Is there a doctor in the house? "No, but I have a 12" of 'Tour De France'!"

...this is what you get.

I don't drink often, so when I do go out, my tolerance level is pretty low. I have learned that if I am drinking scotch, the best thing to do is stop at two drinks. Saturday, I made it up to five. In this state, I end up stalking the room, the aforementioned Mr. Cave's proverbial leopard "coming down with some kind of nervous hysteria" (it turns out he actually says "leper" when you look the quote up, but I like my misheard version better). I am also known to catch myself muttering murderous threats about people who annoy me, half-giggling at my own immorality, but since I had plenty of folks who I wanted to speak to this night, I ended up talking at a mile-a-minute to them--though, the violent themes held, as I offered to beat up someone's boyfriend for her. I don't know who I think I am kidding. I haven't been in a fight since tenth grade! But I tell you, I beat that guy so bad, he's still feeling it!

But, I reserved my most ridiculous antics for a victim I did not know. (And yes, I am well aware that drunk stories are often quite boring, but I like this one.)

Now, it should be known, that I am blessed with a pretty accurate memory of my inebriated episodes, as well as a full knowledge of how goofy I am being at the time of said episodes. It's like, I'm aware that I am being a dork, but I can't stop it, compelled to live out my horror. These things are the consequences that balance out my superpower--that I am never hungover. I wake up the next day just fine. All of this held true for me this weekend.

Meaning that when I went to the coat check girl, I knew fully well I was being a weirdo. I grabbed all of the coins in my pocket and dropped them in her tip jar. "I don't have a coat with you," I informed her. "I actually stashed it in one of the back corners, but I feel guilty about not using your service, so I am tipping you anyway."

I left her and walked across the room to my friend Lara, laughing at myself as I went. "Lara," I said, "I am a wicked boy and I throw myself on your mercy." I told her what I had done, and added, "I think this proves I need a ride home, because if I walk, I will be robbed and left to bleed alcohol in the street."

Lara agreed. I wasn't done, though; I went back across the room to the coat check and asked the girl, "Is that the first time anyone has ever done that?" I suspected as much, you see.

She said it was a new one for her. "And what makes it even better, you even gave me pennies!"

Right on. I am a souse with originality!

Current Soundtrack: Erasure, Hits: The Best of...

golightly@confessions123.com * The Website

[to leave comments, click on the time-stamp below, then scroll down on the new page] – All text (c) 2004 Jamie S. Rich