GREAT FOOD IS COOKED BY PSYCHOS

This week's Portland Mercury has an article by Alison Hallett exploring the realities of culinary seduction. I am one of the people who contributed his own personal humiliation to her column inches. Read about all the failure here, or just take a gander at my sad tale below:

From a nerd's point of view, cooking seems like the kind of thing that would earn you points with a prospective mate but ultimately ends up being another tool for a predatory partner to take advantage. As a well-known doormat, my incredible baking skills or occasional forays into cooking are just another way in which I've put myself out there only to get nothing back. The home economics class I took in junior high paid off with a skill for making incredibly huge chocolate chip cookies for my high school "sweetheart," but chocolate orgasms were all either of us ended up with whenever I put on an apron. Likewise, making my dad's curry recipe for an adult gal pal filled my house with a tantalizing smell, but never the smell of sex. Satisfying her appetites left mine unattended. Apparently, a doormat in the kitchen is equal to being a doormat in the bedroom. If only I had a fetish for spike heels, then I'd finally get something out of being walked all over. --JAMIE S. RICH

Next time I have a girl over, her meal comes out of a box. A box of condoms, that is! (These are the jokes, folks, settle down!)

Current Soundtrack: The Dead Weather, Sea of Cowards