YOU MAY BE A LOVER BUT YOU AIN'T NO BAKER, part ii

Before I get started, I just want to remind everyone to be kind to their retail clerks today. They aren't any happier about your last-minute bullshit than you are. Christmas is the same time every year. You've had plenty of warning. Also, remember your wait staff who has to work through the holidays--your bartenders, servers, etc.--while you're having fun. Tip extra. Slip that kid at the movie theatre or the guy renting videos to you a fiver or something, also, just for being there so you can be, too.

Okay...

My estimation that I bought three times the walnuts I needed turned out to be exactly accurate. I had a total of two more cups, which is just the right amount for what became project #2: cinnamon walnut caramel.

This looked to be an excellent solution. All I needed to do was buy a cup of raw honey and mix all the ingredients together. No cooking required, just 24 hours to let the caramel dehydrate. So, I went to the neighborhood co-op after lunch, and came home to make my caramel. (I've been temping at 23rd Avenue Books for the holidays, and I only had a couple of hours left before my shift, so what else was I going to do?)

The measurement gods smiled, and the container I chose for purchasing the bulk honey turned out to hold exactly a cup. The karmic kickback: I only had half of the cinnamon required. Back to the co-op, and eyeball 1/4 cup of bulk cinnamon. I was a little over, but better that than under.

Essentially, in this recipe, is you dump the honey and the cinnamon in a bowl with some vanilla, stir, add the walnuts, and then create "small clusters." As it turns out, my definition of small and theirs is different, particularly once the caramel started to spread. Again, it looks like I'm making cookies, and again, it's not pretty, but then, America likes ugly. My Christmas candy is hip, y'all!

Seeing the goopy caramel spreading like my thighs are going to spread after I eat it all, it reminded me of first or second grade. I had this book of neat household things kids could do themselves, and there was a recipe in there for fudge you could make in ice cube trays. I decided to do this for Christmas for my teacher. I melted the chocolate and did whatever else you did, poured the trays, and then the last day before break, popped the fudge out of the trays and into a plastic bag. I then rode the bike to school, clutching the plastic bag, hanging them over my handlebars. By the time I put the bag on the teacher's desk, the fudge was just a brown mess at the bottom.

When it came time for her to look at all her presents, the fudge looked terrible, and I was relieved that my name was not on the bag. Or maybe she was being kind and pretending it didn't have my name. Either way, I didn't fess up that it was me who had brought the bag of chocolate poo, but I am sure my face betrayed me. It was the first time that I remember thinking that maybe my family wasn't the same as other kid's families, that maybe we didn't have the money to go out and buy fancy gifts for my teacher. It wasn't that we lived in abject poverty, my father always provided, but I do recall thinking that there was something strange about the fact that all of these kids had nicely wrapped presents and I had fudge I made myself in ice cube trays that I had dumped into a clear plastic bag. Maybe it wasn't poverty, maybe we just weren't big on the social niceties.

Cooking with honey is not something I can say I enjoyed. I don't actually like the taste of honey, and dumping it from one container to another and then to another, and then having to mix it up with other stuff--it's sticky and it's messy and it got all over everything. Stupid bees. I've gone from chocolate poop to cinnamony bee poop!

I came home after working my shift, and couldn't believe my eyes. The caramel continued to spread while I was away. Some even flowed right off the edge of the table! (Note: I put wax paper over the clusters, not just under. I live with a cat. She has no interest in them, but her fur does.) Look at the picture above, and then look at this picture now, 18 hours later...

Someone switched my candy with a dirty diaper!

There are still six hours of dehydration to go. When that is through, I am going to try to move the gunk into some kind of hard container and see if I can't form it into some sort of brick. That is if it even tastes good. Right now, it's all cinnamon.

The divinity, on the other hand, I tried last night. It held its cookie shape, but the taste is pretty good. The texture is not exactly right, but I think it's pretty close to success--particularly since I've been discovering since posting yesterday that it's considered an even harder candy than I thought.

The after picture:

Current Soundtrack: Dubstar, "A Certain Sadness (Astrid Gilberto Cover;" The The, Soul Mining


Current Mood: mixed

e-mail = golightly at confessions123.com * Criterion Confessions * Live Journal Syndication * My Corporate-Owned Space * ComicSpace * Last FM * GoodReads * The Blog Roll * DVDTalk reviews * My Books On Amazon

All text (c) 2007 Jamie S. Rich

YOU MAY BE A LOVER BUT YOU AIN'T NO BAKER, part i

I decided that I was going to do some candy making and baking for this holiday season. I am going over to Joëlle's on Monday to do a gift exchange, and since they will be hosting and making food, I wanted to contribute. One of our party has a gluten allergy, however, so I had to do a little research and find some good holiday recipes that would not aggravate this condition. This meant also shopping for specific items, including special flours not made from wheat. I even bought gluten-free vanilla. Myself and the woman at the store were at a loss to figure out what puts gluten into regular vanilla, but if they have a bottle that says "gluten-free," may as well get it.

I must say, this woman at the store was very helpful overall. I was at a large supermarket, in the health food section, and she ran to the baking section to find the vanilla. She also answered my dumb questions about the recipes and how they indicated tablespoons and teaspoons. I understand "tb" and "ts," but they were not uniform throughout. One recipe even had "tb," "ts," and then plain ol' "t." That was when I learned capital letters are for table and lower-case tea. Huh.

Here was my ingredients haul:

Cough drops, gum, and whiskey not called for.

Note the recipes taped to the cabinet. Easy access, no flipping through books or seeking out the paper.

My first assignment was what will hopefully be the toughest: divinity.

Like most divine things, divinity is a persnickety creature. It reguires close monitoring of the mixture, and it also requires a non-humid day. I was warned that rainy days would not be suitable for making this candy, as the pieces won't properly set. This meant I had to check the weather forecast for Portland--nicknamed "Puddletown," remember--to choose my ideal day for the project. That would be today, the only day expected to be free of rain. To help matters, I turned on the heater in my living room for the first time this winter and the one in my kitchen for the first time since I moved here in 2002.

First task: chop a cup of walnuts. For this, I actually had a machine. Go figure.

Second task: separate the egg whites. Believe it or not, junior high home-economics class comes in handy quite often. I actually knew how to do this, bouncing the yoke back and forth between the two halves of the egg shell while the white drips out.

Next I dump the sugar, water, and corn syrup into the a pot and boil. The recipe called for white corn syrup which I did not find, so organic syrup would have to do (it was next to the gluten-free stuff). Does anyone know, does the white syrup help with coloring? You'll see why I ask later.

Check it as it boils. It's like Cream O' Wheat on acid.

You have to either monitor this goop with a thermometer or perform tests on it once the sugar dissolves. The test is dropping a bit of it into cold water and seeing if it hardens into a ball. I don't know if they mean like a perfect little ball, like a marble, I went with a state that was something close to it. Could have been mistake #1, I don't know.

Then you pour the goop into the egg whites, stirring all the while, and add vanilla.

Beating the mixture is important at this stage. My stepmom told me that beating it by hand would be hard. (Stop snickering!) I do not have an electric mixter, however, so I had to show what a macho dude I am and put my muscle into it. I ended up sitting on the floor and using two spoons at once. This after trying to stir simultaneously with one spoon in each hand. Try it. It's impossible!

Note that the cat stayed the hell away from me this whole time. Too bad. I'd have loved to see her try to steal some divinity goo and then run around like a freak when she couldn't get it off her paw.

In the middle of this all-important mixing process, the phone rings. It's the special alarm-style ring I have for the front door. It's the UPS man, and he has two packages for me. I can't stop beating, however, so I run out there with my bowl and spoons. He laughed, and was cool about it. He didn't call me a "homo" or punch me or nothin'. In fact, he didn't even make me sign for the packages so that I wouldn't have to mess around with the little pen and the LCD screen. Good on UPS!

The envelope is full of books from Tokyopop, the long box turned out to be a poster for Invincible, which I guess I got because I am on the Image comp list. I am trying to get my friend Mason to take it, because he really likes Invincible and for some reason I'd like to be the catalyst for him never getting laid again. I don't want to destroy anyone's self-confidence, but I'm pretty sure the ladies don't think highly of the superhero posters. Granted, my Audrey Hepburn posters inspire UPS drivers to punch me and call me "homo," so who am I to dole out advice?

Last step is to add the walnuts. You do this once the goop forms "peaks" when it drips off the spoon. Again, I don't know how literal that is supposed to be, so I did my best to guess.

The recipe then indicates that you have to dollop the goo with a teaspoon very fast. Once you start stirring, this is when everything hardens, so you have to hustle.

If I ever do this again, I am going to have to work on my dollop technique, because I wasn't getting the divinity off the spoon very well. I was also disheartened to see that the candy was flattening out like a cookie and not sticking in a craggy clump like the divinity I've always had.

It's also not very white. More off-white. This is why I wondered about the corn syrup.

The early samples of the little stray pieces that glooped to the side suggest that even if they aren't pretty, they actually taste all right. The texture is maybe a little more fudge-like than it is supposed to be, but that could pass as the candy dehydrates. They turned out very, very sweet.

I have learned that I am no good at eyeballing how much a cup of walnuts are, and I think I bought about three. I have a caramel recipe that I may try that calls for walnuts, I just need to get some raw honey. I will definitely be making ginger snaps, though, but I'm doing that Sunday night.

So, yes, still plenty of time for embarrassing stories of me cooking. Today went too easy. There is going to be a price to pay here somewhere.

Current Soundtrack: iPod shuffle, and to be honest, I haven't been keeping track

Current Mood: hungry - i cooked but did not make lunch!

EAT HIM BY HIS OWN LIGHT

I've been busy writing, working on all manner of stuff, trying to go deep. It's winter. That's what I do. Nest and hibernate.

And see movies.

THIS WEEK IN THEATRES...

* Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, Tim Burton's blood and gore musical delights with revulsion.

* There Will Be Blood, the masterpiece P.T. Anderson skeptics have been waiting for. And what about Daniel Day-Lewis? And that Jonny Greenwood soundtrack? Cor!

Some of these movies are Christmas Day Limited releases. In addition to the reviews, I have an interview with Marjane Satrapi that is being podcast through DVD Talk Radio. Right now, the links are a little crossed, but you can find the story by scrolling down on the DVD Talk front page. As of this writing, it's third item from the top. [Edit: And now the Radio page has it.] It's ten minutes long, a short chat with the creator of Persepolis. And yes, I do sound like that. Like a frog who drank too much milk. I also happen to review the film...

* Persepolis, a wonderful animated adaptation of the comic that I daresay improves on the original while maintaining its spirit.

Satrapi was interesting to talk to. She was all business, no fooling around, and very forceful. You'll hear, she's very opinionated. I think she kind of liked me at the end, because I told her that I would be quick and painless and there I was, done in ten minutes, affording her a thirty-minute break between interviews. In fact, I have her on tape, cut from the piece, replying to my "I told you it was quick and painless," saying, "You were quick and painless." I should make that a press blurb for myself.

It was a little weird being back in the saddle doing interviews. I need to learn to use my equipment better if I am to podcast in the future. We had to cut my intro due to me not realizing if I held the microphone to my mouth to record it, and then put the machine on the table to capture the both of us, the levels are going to be way off. Plus, mispronouncing the title of the book/movie in the first sentence is not a very impressive way to begin.

Still, I kind of like what I came up with. And she got a copy of 12 Reasons Why I Love Her for her troubles.

THIS WEEK IN DVD REVIEWS...


* Bloodhounds of Broadway, a 1950s musical adaptation of Damon Runyon stories, with Mitzi Gaynor taking the lead.

* Peach Girl, vol. 6, a disappointing end to an originally promising anime adaptation of one of my favorite manga series.

* Two-Lane Blacktop - Criterion Collection, in which criss-crossed American drifters search for the last frontier on the open highway. (Also posted at Criterion Confessions.)

Another DVD Talker, Francis Rizzo III, has started a new blog called "1106: A Moment in Fictional Time." It's all screencaps of movies at the 11 minute, 6 second mark. I've started sending him images from the movies I review. It's turning into an interesting collection, found art with a theme.

Current Soundtrack: Jonny Greenwood, There Will Be Blood score

Current Mood: determined

e-mail = golightly at confessions123.com * Criterion Confessions * Live Journal Syndication * My Corporate-Owned Space * ComicSpace * Last FM * GoodReads * The Blog Roll * DVDTalk reviews * My Books On Amazon

All text (c) 2007 Jamie S. Rich

MAKES A GREAT STOCKING STUFFER...

Glister #3 by Andi Watson is on sale this week. Has a bit of a holiday theme, but even despite that, it's pretty damn awesome, I must say. See a preview at Newsarama.

Current Soundtrack: Arctic Monkeys, "Teddy Picker" single (despite what this dink says, their second album was tops, and that second Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! is virtually unlistenable)

Current Mood: ravenous

e-mail = golightly at confessions123.com * Criterion Confessions * Live Journal Syndication * My Corporate-Owned Space * ComicSpace * Last FM * GoodReads * The Blog Roll * DVDTalk reviews * My Books On Amazon

All text (c) 2007 Jamie S. Rich

KARAOKE WATCH: HOLIDAY EDITION

Last night, Randy and Rocky Bowen held their annual Christmas party, a swanky fancy-dress affair that I look forward to every year. This year, they decided to have a professional karaoke DJ to give people a different way to embarrass themselves after drinking too much. So, of course, I was totally there. I was even given the assignment of kicking things off so that other people would be inspired to pick up the microphone.

The set list:
Gene Pitney - "A Town Without Pity"
The Clash - "Train in Vain"
Partridge Family - "I Think I Love You" (duet with Barbara Wagner, who is, of course, the wife of Matt Wagner)
Frank Sinatra - "Can I Steal a Little Love"
Spandau Ballet - "True"
Blur - "Parklife" (duet with Oni publisher Joe Nozemack; he did the Phil Daniels parts, I did the Damon Albarn parts)

Big credit to the Steven Birch, Shannon Wheeler, and Randal Jarrell for taking the plunge and singing, too. I noticed it was only the guys who would do it solo, the ladies kept doing the group sing.

Amusingly, midway through Spandau Ballet, I turned around and there were three fellas backing me up, dancing like my own personal Pips. I believe there may even be video of this.

Joe and I stopped off in a bar on the way home to hang out, and even though I only drank coffee there, I took a little bit of a turn for the queasy worst and had to head home. Actually, first I stood in the bar men's room for a couple of minutes wondering if I was going to need to unload. The guys coming in and out were strangely friendly, all chatting away with the well-dressed sick guy in the corner while they did their business. Only one patron thought I was selling drugs.

Once I was home, I did a little bathroom floor duty, but it turned out I just needed to lie down and steady myself, I never blew. I think it was getting up, though, when, if I recall correctly, the toilet seat fell and hit me in the face. This is the best explanation I can come up with for waking up this morning and feeling something crusty on my nose. I went to look in the mirror, and there is a clean cut right across the bridge of my nose, and a line of blood had trickled out of it, forming a small pool just above my nostril, and drying. I look like I got in a fight. I guess if people ask, I can say, "Yeah, and you should see what I did to that toilet seat." Talk about a different way to embarrass oneself!

What amazes me, though, is that there is no blood on either of my pillows. That little bit of blood on my face was all there was. It could have been a real mess!

Current Soundtrack: Girls Aloud, Tangled Up


Current Mood: cuckoo

e-mail = golightly at confessions123.com * Criterion Confessions * Live Journal Syndication * My Corporate-Owned Space * ComicSpace * Last FM * GoodReads * The Blog Roll * DVDTalk reviews * My Books On Amazon

All text (c) 2007 Jamie S. Rich

YOUNG OFFENDER

THIS WEEK IN THEATRES...

* Youth Without Youth, wherein Francis Ford Coppola returns to directing and makes an ambitious indie project. Sad to say, his reach exceeds his grasp.

THIS WEEK IN DVD REVIEWS...

* Barbara Stanwyck Signature Collection, six movies on five DVDs, starring one of Hollywood's classiest dames.

* Becoming John Ford, an excellent documentary leading into the hardcore re-release project of the director's oeuvre.

* Bill Maher - The Decider, a politically charged stand-up performance from the politically charged comedian.

* The District, a crass appropriation of American hiphop culture becomes a foul Hungarian cartoon.

* First Snow, the Guy Pearce thriller that may be the best overlooked film of 2007.

* Looney Tunes - Golden Collection, volume 5, returning us to Termite Terrace. Includes a full disc of Robert Clampett-directed shorts.

And have you been keeping up with the WGA strike? It's not going well.

Current Soundtrack: Pet Shop Boys, Disco 3/Disco 4

Current Mood: gloomy

e-mail = golightly at confessions123.com * Criterion Confessions * Live Journal Syndication * My Corporate-Owned Space * ComicSpace * Last FM * GoodReads * The Blog Roll * DVDTalk reviews * My Books On Amazon

All text (c) 2007 Jamie S. Rich

A WINTER'S DAY, IN A DEEP AND DARK DECEMBER

Busy, busy, busy.

* Yesterday was a 3,000 word day, which is like, super fantastic. Today is less of a word count day, but more like pushing different pieces around. The people taking Fish Creek are getting closer to Fun City, at the very least. (Not sure why I made the tag "chocolate city," but I'm keeping it, like Elliot keeping E.T.)

* Monday I finished proofing Princess at Midnight for Andi Watson. Preorder it. (Glister #3 should be due in a week or two.)

* I'm giving this lady's unpublished novel a read when I can, too.

* Catching up on reviews in the post Seinfeld deluge. Expect many links in a day or two.

* J. Torres and my lovely Udon editor Hye-Young Im have had their baby. I really don't understand this whole "baby" thing, and a world where J. Torres is allowed to spawn is a world where science has gone too far, but congratulations to them all the same! (Particular kudos to Young, who not only is the one to have given birth, but she also managed to give her son a cool name, when I am sure J. wanted to name him something geeky like "Goku" or "Grayson" or "Mike Norton." Lysander is a pretty awesome handle, I must say.)

* Prediction! Best horror movie of 2008 will be...



Somewhere Ian Shaughnesexxxy is wondering just what it is women have down there that is so scary.

Current Soundtrack: Natalie Imbruglia, Glorious: The Singles 97-07

Current Mood: creative

e-mail = golightly at confessions123.com * Criterion Confessions * Live Journal Syndication * My Corporate-Owned Space * ComicSpace * Last FM * GoodReads * The Blog Roll * DVDTalk reviews * My Books On Amazon

All text (c) 2007 Jamie S. Rich

"There's too many people here, planning your downfall..."

It's kind of ironic that that WGA fight is over internet content, and the strike has inspired so many great online videos.



Current Soundtrack: Morrissey, "The Teachers are Afraid of the Pupils"

QUE CERA CERA

Stay tuned for comic book recommendations and a special offer from Joëlle Jones, but first...

It's a Michael Cera week for reviews here at Confessions.

THIS WEEK IN THEATRES...

* Juno, not just one of the top comedies of the year, but one of the best movies period. I know it looks like it's kind of another in a long line of overly hip indie films, but wipe that from your mind. Within minutes of it starting, you will be in love with this movie.

Juno stars Michael Cera as a nerd who actually can get laid, and ends up getting a girl pregnant.

THIS WEEK IN DVD REVIEWS...

* Superbad - 2-Disc Unrated Extended Edition, the raunchy teen comedy that could.

Superbad stars Michael Cera as a nerd who thinks he can't get laid, who finds out he can, but then chooses not to.

* In other movie news, some ground might have been gained in the WGA strike. Read about it here.

* Also, Joëlle Jones is selling the original art from our Popgun, vol. 1 story, "Me and the Cat." $80 a page. Check it out at her blog.

Also while there, look in her sidebar for a pdf of prices on the 12 Reasons Why I Love Her pages that are still available. Makes a great gift!

We're also doing a story for Popgun, vol. 2 that will hopefully make the deadline. It's pretty awesome, a story about boxing. I've been waiting for Joëlle to have a reason to draw it for almost a year, and I'd say having a place to publish it is as good as any!

This appears to be the cover:

That won't be out until summer, but if you want, right now, the trade paperback edition of Mike Allred's Madman & the Atomics went on sale today. This collects The Atomics, a fifteen-issue series I edited for Mike several years ago. Prior to this, it's only been available as an expensive, limited hardcover. It's a bounty of Silver Age superhero excellence!

Maybe Michael Cera should play a movie-version of Madman, a nerd who came back from the dead to fall in love, but I'm not sure if he's ever gotten laid.

Current Soundtrack: Chuck Jones documentary on Looney Tunes: Golden Collection, volume 5



Current Mood: busy

e-mail = golightly at confessions123.com * Criterion Confessions * Live Journal Syndication * My Corporate-Owned Space * ComicSpace * Last FM * GoodReads * The Blog Roll * DVDTalk reviews * My Books On Amazon

All text (c) 2007 Jamie S. Rich

EVERLASTING, LIKE THE SUN



I have to admit, at first I thought nothing of the Spice Girls reunion, but now that early reports and photos are emerging from their concert tour, I actually wish they were coming to Portland.

I saw them back on the Spiceworld tour at the Rose Garden Arena, and it was a blast. It's the infamous concert where the mothers of several teenage girls banded together to get a security guard to come and ask me to sit down. I was pissed. I must have been the strangest animal in that particular zoo. I was wearing vinyl pants and a silver shirt. I was with a guy from Dark Horse who was also my age but was known for not getting out much. In fact, his mother came and picked us up at the show. She tried to talk the security guards into helping us get autographs, oblivious to the size of the event. She also had a cooler with Cokes and sandwiches waiting for us in her station wagon. Yes, a station wagon. We were in our mid-20s.

The Greatest Hits that the Girls just released is a good excuse to revisit their music. As bubblegum, it has held its flavor over the years. I'm surprised by how many of the songs are about the finite, about loss and saying goodbye. It's almost as if they realized that pop was intended to be disposable, and so each song was its own farewell, its own plea to the audience to hang on (no different than the Smiths' "Rubber Ring," though less on the nose; eat that, art-alt fans).

If you think about it, this is likely where that last Spice album went wrong. Forever. They had given up on the finite, were working to be more modern and serious. Sexual pop turned into sensual R&B, and the tease was over. Though they had previously had the song "Viva Forever," that "viva" implies a mortality. If you have to call for something to stay alive, the underlining sentiment is that it won't. Take that away, make it just Forever, and the seduction dissipates. We want what we can't have, and you just told us that you're planning to stick around. Ironic, no?

Granted, the new songs on the Hits disc are pretty much awful, but still, they'd be maybe seven minutes at a concert. I could live with it.

See a shaky live version of "Viva Forever" from just a couple of days ago, or watch the classic video:



(By the way, is that Jane Horrocks doing the voice over on that Tesco commercial?)

Current Soundtrack: Law & Order: SVU, special guest: Method Man!

Current Mood: nostalgic

e-mail = golightly at confessions123.com * Criterion Confessions * Live Journal Syndication * My Corporate-Owned Space * ComicSpace * Last FM * GoodReads * The Blog Roll * DVDTalk reviews * My Books On Amazon

All text (c) 2007 Jamie S. Rich

HEARD THE SONG OF A POET WHO DIED IN THE GUTTER

Okay, this video is just too much fun. (Plastorm, look away. I think there is one of your kind coming in off the coast and hammering us with rain and wind right now, anyway. (Did I just see a lightning flash? Does Plas know he's being typed about and that's his fury on display?!))