A personal diary keeping people abreast of what I am working on writing-wise.

Wednesday, April 23, 2003


Another assignment from Kelly Sue for her forum. This time I am meant to be a literary reporter for a tabloid and have to file my latest column.


Act Like A Writer

What the hell is wrong with the literary community these days? Have we forgotten the mid-‘90s heyday of the finest of our acting community putting fingers to keyboard and jazzing up the world of letters with their finely honed Stainslavsky method writing? From the highest of literary highs in Ethan Hawke’s book, to the Chekhov-like strains of Steve Martin and the populist potboilers of Joan Collins and Carrie Fisher, those of us with discerning eyes were quickly told, “Hey, these kids don’t need words put in their mouths, they have it going on all on their own!”

But now we’re stuck in a wasteland where it seems our only access to the deeper understanding of the human condition celebrities are privy to are tell-alls and reality TV. And that’s just not good enough! I need to know that Catherine Zeta-Jones thinks metaphorically!

So, I say, get off your duffs Hollywood, and show these wannabe Hemingways that their puny prose is really just hemming-and-hawing! Why are you letting such lightweight literati as Michael Chabon and Zadie Smith steal the spotlight when we all know you got it going on?!

Russell Crowe, surely there is a manly manuscript beating in that rippled chest of yours. You’ve got a pirate movie coming this summer, so why not give us a thrilling adventure of male bonding and unnatural love on the high seas?

Johnny Depp, you like to talk about Kerouac, but he was on the road before there were highways. Surely you can give us some true insight into those Los Angeles traffic jams.

Nichole Kidman, you shouldn’t just be playing Virginia Woolf on the screen, but you should put that nose on and sit down at an iMac! I want to know what song your soul sings when it’s not kicking it up at Moulin Rouge!

Freddie Prinze Jr., why are you wasting your time on comic books? Those are so over! Hello, 1963! No, no, no, Freddie—I want to see your name staring back at me in the airport bookshop next time I’m catching a flight to Rio.

The gauntlet has been cast, Tinsel Town! Awards season is over, so you don’t need to be drafting your acceptance speeches any longer. Draft the great American novel instead! Even if you are Australian!

-- Jamie S. Rich

Current Soundtrack: The Coral, The Coral


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